by Gabriel Gaiusbayode
If you’ve joined my Patreon, you may already be familiar with this concept I am preparing to reintroduce in further detail. Overall, this reflection is an analysis into a current emotional “conundrum” I’m processing as I feel internally pulled between different projects. I have deep premonitions of an impending, repeated sense of doom. This sounds dark, and I wish it didn’t feel so dramatic, but my instinct is processing signs of concern that I may currently risk entering a zone that spreads me too thin… in this same vein, I feel called to maybe try something new. Why not? This is the current consequence of the flow state. I am in a heightened perpetual state of stimuli, but also afraid to fully surrender to this boost of energy out of fear of burnout. So, my mind has been conditioned to surrender to the default of hyper-organization and over-structuring, but this entire blog may illustrate this past format to be ineffective. Let me explain.
Two questions that may sprout from the garden of my introduction is, “what am I trying?” or maybe, “What is he even saying?” In simplest terms, I am in a flow state, receiving an influx of artistic inspiration and internally, I feel a need to organize my inspirations so that they can alchemize into attainable goals. (This is kind of confusing because I’m also not fully married to the idea that my goals have to be packaged to be attainable.) Currently, I feel free, and my spirit agrees with this freedom. I’m in agreement with allowing my emotions to guide me into the next tasks daily, leaning on this internal clairvoyant sixth sense I have as an artist. Abandoning a need of prioritization from a technical lens, and applying prioritization holistically. The questions this exploration leads me to are, ‘what is the priority of the body’, ‘what is the prioritization of the spirit’.
Sidenote: Depression has really taught me to listen to my body more (Will unpack this more in a separate blog).
So, with this need to organize, now tussling with this need to remain in free flow, I ponder another question, ‘what if organization is an illusion for confinement’. That is the question I’ve reached. I would also like to acknowledge that this is not an anti-organization introspective moment I’m having, but a deep call for evolution. I cannot remain the same. I cannot hold onto certain practices. So, before I deconstruct organization, let me add a structure of context.
In defense of being organized, there are many practical ways creating structural systems yield safety, consistency, and peace for our bodies. This can take shape in the form of structuring your habits around sleep, exercise, passion, etc. A set schedule, or priority tools like the Eisenhower Matrix, allow your mind to give the motion of your ideas a place to rest, because the system you created eliminates the energy wasted thinking about your needs and responsibilities. As an artist (contrary to popular belief), having a system and structure has actually assisted me in going from point A to point B with my passion projects. The publication of my first book leaned on a structural method that incorporated non-negotiable time after graduate school classes that prioritized exercising my artistic muscle over letting my emotional disposition dictate whether the conditions were right for creativity at all. So structure and organization can be healthy. Our bodies intrinsically call towards organization in the form of instinctual; habits developed to meet your needs per our subconscious needs per our environment. Yet, I still feel something is calling me in another direction.
If I have embodied organization, if structures I created in the past are not lost but a history of habits ingrained into my skin, maybe I can approach goal setting with a less technically confined approach and more of a free flowing system. For example: I have been using a particular organizational tool (I’ll share later in this blog) for almost a decade. I’ve iterated this tool, developed it more to fit my needs, and am still considering reusing this method I’ve committed to. Although, this tool produced so many habits in my life that I almost don’t necessarily need it to know where things are based on the habits I’ve practiced over the past 8 years. I know when I need to exercise, I know when I’d prefer reading, I know when I benefit from some healthy me time, etc. I’ve learned myself deeper. In critique of this, I’ve convinced myself historically that my depression, my disarray, or my struggles to meet goals is a consequence of inorganization as if I haven’t damn near contorted myself into a form of system that has moved past ideation, but is welded into my bones. I say all this to say, what if I’m noticing that organization can be an illusion for confinement that stunts the growth of an eternal thing. That triggers desire to implode inward on itself by giving a tree a cage instead of soil.
The rigorous system I’ve used over the past decades I believe has lost relevancy in my modern needs, even if it has a logical framework, and has yielded results in the past. Context matters to validate a logic-base or it’s just theory that sounds rational. Sound must have resonance. This is the expression my body is processing.
My body physically repulses and rejects the old system every time I consider using this to organize my current inspiration and goals. Every time I feel this ‘need to organize’ lands on my plate, there is a distaste. I don’t feel exhausted by the thought as you may expect someone that is procrastinating to do so, I feel like I lost my appetite. Like the meal I’m preparing to eat is spoiled, or the meal is vomit from a past life. I need to protect this newfound freedom, and it starts with listening to the needs of my body, which will collapse if I force it to agree with something I do not want. More accurately, I will shut down if I practice something that actively harms my being. This flow of curiosity requires a different meal. Requires a new sustenance. We don’t need to start over, but we need to remodel. I need to clean house.
Ultimately, I DO still need vessels in which to funnel my inspirations through to help me focus, and be present for these curiosities. I need furniture to hold different parts of me, and channel my expression with energy and comfort. My new challenge is, ‘how can I package this new system, or better yet, lifestyle in a way that leaves absolute room for growth. I wouldn’t say that I’m at a crossroads, but the junction I’ve reached is begging for me to try something different. Begging for my body to evolve past an old way, and listen to the symphony of this rejection. Now that we’ve addressed the overarching feeling, I think I’m ready to share the theory I’m developing to practice. Below will contain my old organizational tool, which still has value, especially for the person that is still discovering themselves. Although, we will also explore this new system and method I’m planning.
What I hope you hear from this, is not just my desire to explore a new option. I hope you hear the deep level of trust I have retained to know I need a new option, which I think will be very integral to applying what I need.
In a future blog, I’ll add a tool that gives access to my old organizational tool, and hopefully, by that time I’ll have a new tool you can explore as well 🙂.
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